ready or not... here it comes

for your own sake, do not read this blog. 

it probably wont make any sense and i'm not going to try to write it so that it will be comprehensible... 

someone said to me the other day: (after i had spent ten minutes explaining my jubilation at the prospect of completing another stage in life -school)

he said flatly, "school may be over, but you will still be the same jenna; so don't get too excited."

dv wasn't trying to be cruel but he has a way of putting things.... whatever he says evokes some kind of emotion w/ me: whether it's defensiveness, or anger or joy... 

i got to thinking:

will i be the same? will i just find something else to be bitter at and annoyed with? will this looming discontentment follow me to the end? is it bad if it does?

 i mean, if i'm being honest, this is how it has worked in the past. I hated every single thing about high school. i couldn't wait to be moving on to bigger and better things.  and college was a big fat disappointment to me. (but isn't that my fault?) i hated that too. again, i couldn't wait to be finished, so i could move on to bigger and better things.  it was just another hoop i had to jump through so i could start life....

now that college is over, i foresee myself being ticked that i have to gain work experience before i can be respected in my field, or go to grad school before i can even find a job... or whatever. why am i such a baby?? 

i know "bigger and better" doesn't just happen. i know i have to build it and work hard at something. so why am i always look for something different then what i have now? i'm spoiled. and i'm so ashamed of that. 

i'm moving in two weeks. know how depressing it is when you are about to move, and you can literally count the people you will keep in touch with on LESS than one hand? it makes it easy to move. it also makes you feel like a terrible person. 

my life isn't all boohooing of course. the things that i do get depressed about are mostly my own doing anyway or how or whatever. 

 

i'm sooo lucky to be with david. he's amazing. i cannot express how much fun i have just being around him. this past weekend i got to go to pa. and just be around him. just spend time with him and other people i know and love.. and miss deeply. it was the best weekend i've had in months. sometimes, briefly, i will think, "am i crazy?" is this the right thing? is this the right step? and then i'll get a call ... and he'll be on the other line, and we'll talk, and pray and laugh... and all doubt is completely erased. i just want him to know how much i adore him. i want to be a good wife. i want our communication to be like no other... and five, ten, fifteen years from now i want it to be stronger than it's ever been. i don't want to wake up in the morning and not know the man i'm married to. i know sometimes it will be hard... but i want it. i want all of it. the good and the bad. to learn and grow. i know we will have a good life together serving the Lord. 

and i got my wedding dress. i'm pretty excited about it. 

i don't want to move to where there is already 3 feet of snow. 

i'm nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out. i am afraid that i will throw up from the gas. gross. 

i have a lot to do over thanksgiving break. 

i hate packing. 

many fears, many hopes, many reservations. i know i am no different than any other human.

i'm grateful for the things i been given and the abilities i've been blessed with. i want to do the right things with my life. i want to be able to see the joy in things.

 i'm sorry i'm so bitter....