are those wedding bells i hear?

i finally got my wedding dress today! it fits beautifully. i absolutely love it. i'm so excited to be married to my best friend. the farther we get with the plans, the more excited i feel.   

<<<<(it's this dress in white. what do ya think??)

on a different note... my hands and fingernails have inexplicably turned black...? 

i'm really excited to see my family this christmas. so much has changed over the years and it is a rare occasion that we all can be together. i'm also excited for my brothers to meet david. 

i pray i get this job. 

now that i have some time to read, i am finally going to make my way through my stack of unread books. starting with - the cost of discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. i'm pretty excited about it. 

welp. those are my random thoughts of the day. you're welcome. haha 

Merry Christmas everyone... 

i did it...

real world here i come. 

ready or not... here it comes

for your own sake, do not read this blog. 

it probably wont make any sense and i'm not going to try to write it so that it will be comprehensible... 

someone said to me the other day: (after i had spent ten minutes explaining my jubilation at the prospect of completing another stage in life -school)

he said flatly, "school may be over, but you will still be the same jenna; so don't get too excited."

dv wasn't trying to be cruel but he has a way of putting things.... whatever he says evokes some kind of emotion w/ me: whether it's defensiveness, or anger or joy... 

i got to thinking:

will i be the same? will i just find something else to be bitter at and annoyed with? will this looming discontentment follow me to the end? is it bad if it does?

 i mean, if i'm being honest, this is how it has worked in the past. I hated every single thing about high school. i couldn't wait to be moving on to bigger and better things.  and college was a big fat disappointment to me. (but isn't that my fault?) i hated that too. again, i couldn't wait to be finished, so i could move on to bigger and better things.  it was just another hoop i had to jump through so i could start life....

now that college is over, i foresee myself being ticked that i have to gain work experience before i can be respected in my field, or go to grad school before i can even find a job... or whatever. why am i such a baby?? 

i know "bigger and better" doesn't just happen. i know i have to build it and work hard at something. so why am i always look for something different then what i have now? i'm spoiled. and i'm so ashamed of that. 

i'm moving in two weeks. know how depressing it is when you are about to move, and you can literally count the people you will keep in touch with on LESS than one hand? it makes it easy to move. it also makes you feel like a terrible person. 

my life isn't all boohooing of course. the things that i do get depressed about are mostly my own doing anyway or how or whatever. 

 

i'm sooo lucky to be with david. he's amazing. i cannot express how much fun i have just being around him. this past weekend i got to go to pa. and just be around him. just spend time with him and other people i know and love.. and miss deeply. it was the best weekend i've had in months. sometimes, briefly, i will think, "am i crazy?" is this the right thing? is this the right step? and then i'll get a call ... and he'll be on the other line, and we'll talk, and pray and laugh... and all doubt is completely erased. i just want him to know how much i adore him. i want to be a good wife. i want our communication to be like no other... and five, ten, fifteen years from now i want it to be stronger than it's ever been. i don't want to wake up in the morning and not know the man i'm married to. i know sometimes it will be hard... but i want it. i want all of it. the good and the bad. to learn and grow. i know we will have a good life together serving the Lord. 

and i got my wedding dress. i'm pretty excited about it. 

i don't want to move to where there is already 3 feet of snow. 

i'm nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out. i am afraid that i will throw up from the gas. gross. 

i have a lot to do over thanksgiving break. 

i hate packing. 

many fears, many hopes, many reservations. i know i am no different than any other human.

i'm grateful for the things i been given and the abilities i've been blessed with. i want to do the right things with my life. i want to be able to see the joy in things.

 i'm sorry i'm so bitter.... 

 

upon request... something new

what better way to spend the extra hour from daylight savings than to write a blog? 

it seems like so much is going on, yet at the same time i feel like i'm not doing anything. for the first 18 years of my life i was completely surrounded by people i loved and constantly spent time with. I did so many things and i was involved in so much. I feel like i lived those years with so much passion and vigor. 

Now... i feel old and tired. i am technically 

"busy" but i fee like i do very little. I find my current situation to be embarrassing... and selfish. I keep telling myself that i just have to wait until the next step, until i'm somewhere where i can be established. But i don't want to be telling myself that anymore. I regret not being involved here. i think i let my bitterness and anger keep me from doing anything at all. and i probably missed out on some good t

hings because of it. 

when i woke up this morning, i was trying to remember the last time i actually had physically touched another human... like when was the last time i hugged someone. i couldn't remember.

 I really wanted a hug today.

okay, my pity-party is over. 

i actually am really happy and excited for the first time in a long time. 

i'm getting married. yep. jenna rose hazelet is getting married. turns out i don't like cats (thereby ruining my plans to be a crazy cat lady with the blue eyeshadow) and there is someone who is really kind of perfect for me. we are happy and committed (i'm not just saying these words. there is so much meaning behind all of this. we have gone through a lot as a young couple and we work really hard to keep our focus on Christ and to be where we are).

but block off your calenders in december everyone...because if we can make it through the planning, there is going to be a wedding!!!

the damn alarm clock

it is poison to sleep



as i was rudely awakened this morning by my alarm, i wrote a poem in my head. i think it sucked and i can't remember it. i just wanted everyone to know that i write in my sleep.

the master of lies

after house sitting for the past 7 days and having access to a television with channels, i've decided that very few things are as misleading as marketing. it doesn't really matter what the advertisement is for: medication, live chat lines, a lawyer, fashion, food, vehicles; nothing is ever in reality as it is portrayed in the clips flashed on the screen. 

how is it that we have been so consumed by the image of things that we more easily accept lies than less-than-ideal/ utopian situations??

to be continued... 

Jeopardy

it's a dull roar trying to break free of its case

it's a hammer relentlessly pounding 

it's stinging and throbbing deep within

Or it is known as the swelling and tightening of the blood vessels and nerves that cover a person's head and neck.

What is: A Headache

there are a lot of things worse in this world than having a migraine headache and having no remedy... right now it's hard to think of anything... 

my current statuses

-deeply in love

-unbelievably annoyed with someone

-procrastinating

-itching a bug bite

-missing things of old

-thankful for present things/ situations/ people 

-encouraged

-hopeful 

-mildly anxious 

-hot- loving the southern weather 

-full (of subway)

-rested

-hydrated

-taken care of

-loved

-smooth 

-awakened to a new perspective 

-oh so happy for today and the life i have been given 

 (something beautiful to watch)

tragedy on rivermont ave

yesterday i was outside on the fire escape. as i stood there, looking out at the houses and parking lot i was deep in thought. my concentration was interrupted by a tragedy. there, at the crest of the hill, stood a lady. she was calling for Killer, her cat, to return home. she just stood there yelling for about five mins. finally, in a last desperate attempt to communicate with her lost, furry friend, she said, "okay honey, i'm gonna come back out here tomorrow. and when i call, you come home. i love you Killer." 

this morning as i was getting ready to go to class, i heard her out there again (keeping true to her oath) calling for Killer. today something in me snapped. what if Killer the cat is all yelling-lady has? there is something strangely comforting about another living creature in the house when you live all alone. and for yelling-lady to be suddenly stripped of that interaction is understandably upsetting. 

being the way i am now, i sometimes find it hard to justify spending money on an animal while people are starving. but after you live alone long enough, you begin to realize the appeal. 

we aren't made to be alone. we are made to live in community with others. the more i live, the more i understand how much i need community. i need others to serve, to learn from, to keep me accountable, to just... be with. a cat (pet) should not be a person's only companion. 

it's horrible being alone. i hope killer comes home... 

good for you

how noble of you to not hate me.

you know, considering i was completely honest and did absolutely nothing wrong.

but good for you. thanks for being so mature. 

the story of my life

setting: in a classroom on liberty's campus- 7:40 am

characters: jenna, lindsey, mandy, dr. jerk (a professor of psychology), about 7 other psych majors doing an internship

mood: irritated- it's early; you hate mornings and the professor is late.

Plot: the professor spends an hour talking about herself and how important she is. she goes on to explain how the people you, as interns, will be serving are most likely poor, and therefore stupid and helpless. she also gives you a little "self-esteem" boost by letting you know that you are educated (with less than an undergrad) and in your early 20's, so you WILL know more than your site supervisors and threaten them with all of your fancy knowledge. she is disrespectful and rude the entire session. but, she does tell you to do your internships for the glory of God. no one else in the class seems to notice the disconnect. 

theme: peoples perspectives are grossly skewed.- you never want to be so focused on yourself that you hate people who have less (through your actions and demeaning words)... you want to be someone like the people you get to serve and love, because they are humble and real, and appreciate things. they can see real beauty. you never want to be like dr. jerk. you want to help build His kingdom, not break it down. 

"it's easy to love the people far away. it's not always easy to love those close to us. it's easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own homes and communities..." 

Jenna=Frustration

it has been hard to put into words what i have been thinking and feeling lately; mostly due to the fact that i feel like my head is one large ball of mass confusion.

 (officially) today is the first day of my last semester of undergrad. i have hated every single second of college -academically speaking. it seems a bit unreal that this is the end considering how hard it has been for me to care about writing papers that no one reads and reading books that don't say anything important. not to mention spending thousand of dollars (that i don't actually have) for a piece of paper that is proof of the royal waste of time i've spent doing these things. i'm called to not love the things of this world, and in so many ways i see the "power of education" as something directly connected to the mess and greed of this world. 

the end of these few years brings me to a transition. and that transition brings so many questions:

grad school? to go or not, and where.

place of residence? it would be helpful if i could even narrow it down to a state

world race? raise 15,000 dollars and be gone for a year to serve others and God, is it possible or the right thing?

career? i have no idea

relationships? ha

blah blah blah i'm bored even writing this. 

maybe i just wanted to look at these questions written down...

i know it's taken care of already. i just want to live like it is. i'm surrendering all i am.

aghhh... 

to whom it may concern

you were one of my best friends.

something funny happened today and i wanted to tell you about it. 

i wanted to harass you about your new comment. 

i wanted to tell you about something i read. 

i'm sorry i cannot be what you want or what you need. 

i wish things were different.

your old friend,

jenna

well...

i guess i got an answer...? 

 

being simple isn't so simple...

simplify. sounds easy enough, doesn't it? 

once one gets past the simplifying his or her material possession collection, this idea becomes a bit more complex. 

all at once, it is not about the things we have or the activities we do... it's about the people in our lives. 

i would say even one significant person being in my life is complex. loving someone, caring for someone, understanding someone, communicating with someone. now add another person... and another. it's worse- more complex, there are now multiple dynamics. 

how are we to simplify when the very nature of relationships are complex? 

nothing is really simple, is it? 

 just breathe. simple? nope. there are mechanisms, processes, several factors and influences, the cause and effects of each and every breath. 

i guess today i've come to the conclusion that nothing is simple, which is a bit overwhelming. 

while these may be the ramblings of a recently crazy cat lady, i did find some good news. 

God has blessed me with these relationships to help me grow, to have someone who comes along side me, to comfort me, to teach me, to do service with me 

these are good things! i shouldn't be overwhelmed by the fact they exist, but be thankful and excited about what can come because the do. if one or two are lost along the way it is because God has intended for something better, for both. 

i am thankful for each and every crazy-messed-up-confusing-complex relationship i've been blessed with.

I hate liberty

they are crooks

Beginnings and Endings

Beginnings of this week:

a blog

pet ownership

living situation

last semester of undergrad 

searching for answers in Jesus

trying harder to love like Christ

Endings of this week:

summer

summer classes

confusion

a friendship that means more than i can express (one way or another)

i've spent the last few days looking for an answer to something that doesn't seem to have a good solution. these past three month have been drenched in confusion and pain as well as inexplicable hope and joy. 

"Seek Christ" is the only answer i can seem to come up with; however, being the selfish turd that i am, it doesn't seem to be good enough... 

i know will not be satisfied until i understand that He is all i need... 

i am not about being a cheesy or fake Christian and i do hope that is not what any reader derives from this (or future) post... i am a confused human, trying to to what is right for the glory of my God. I know that my current situation is small potatoes compared to most, but that doesn't make it any less real or painful. 

it has been two days.

it it so hard. 

i guess i just wanted to write my thoughts down today...